Chess World Rocked By Conspiracy That A Player Upset A Top Grandmaster Using Vibrating Anal Beads

Over the past few days, the chess fandom has been rocked by a developing scandal surrounding the defeat of chess champion Magnus Carlsen by one Hans Niemann at a tournament in St. Louis.

Following the defeat, Carlsen withdrew from the tournament and posted a tweet that seemed to imply he sensed something foul was going on at the event, linking to a clip of Jose Mourinho saying that if he said what he wanted to say, he'd be in "big trouble."

I've withdrawn from the tournament. I've always enjoyed playing in the @STLChessClub, and hope to be back in the future https://t.co/YFSpl8er3u

— Magnus Carlsen (@MagnusCarlsen) September 5, 2022

This put the internet on the alert that Niemann potentially cheated to defeat Carlsen. Carlsen was on a two-year unbeaten streak and is considered the best player in the world, while Niemann was the lowest-rated player a the Sinquefield Cup and was considered the least likely to overtake Carlsen.

Niemann has previously confessed to twice cheating while playing online chess, once at 12 years old and another time at 16, but has insisted he has never cheated in an over-the-board chess match. Nothing has yet been confirmed with regards to whether Niemann cheated to defeat Carlsen, but the accusations and defenses have swirled in the week since the match.

While the chess world (and the internet) hashed out the case, one theory was simply too incredible to ignore: Hans Niemann used vibrating anal beads to defeat Carlsen.

The idea comes from a joke comment by Redditor XiTro who wrote a fantastical story that it was actually Carlsen who had an accomplice who would watch the match, use an AI to deduce the perfect move, then transmit that move to Carlsen via vibrations through anal beads. However, in their head-to-head meeting, Niemann also employed the anal bead strategy, which interfered with Carlsen's, and Carlsen could not play under these conditions.

Though clearly a joke post, the theory somehow got legs. Grandmaster Eric Hansen discussed the theory on Twitch after a commenter suggested it.

"That's probably a good [theory]. An anal bead would probably beat the [security checks]," he said.

Currently obsessed with the notion that Hans Niemann has been cheating at the Sinquefield Cup chess tournament using wireless anal beads that vibrate him the correct moves. pic.twitter.com/F48BXjtBlN

— Babble (@Babble____) September 7, 2022

Somehow, the theory even made its way to billionaire Elon Musk, who tweeted, "'Talent hits a target no one else can hit, genius hits a target no one can see (cause it’s in ur butt)' – Schopenhauer."

The bizarre theory has made "anal beads" a small meme in the chess community, though it's highly unlikely Niemann employed that strategy to defeat Carlsen. Some have proposed the usage of smart clothes to enact a similar strategy described in the "anal beads" theory could be more likely.

However, just to prove the doubters wrong, Niemann has stated he is prepared to play stark naked in an isolated room to prove he is on the up-and-up. Should that happen, it may well make for the most-watched chess match in the history of the game.